Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Randomize
