well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
