im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
