Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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