Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
