I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Randomize
