the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
