we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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