He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
