Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
