She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
