She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Randomize
