whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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