If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Who died my cat blue again?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
Randomize
