She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
