so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
