I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
