What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
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