I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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