I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
