he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
