Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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