Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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