Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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