your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
