So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
