Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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