everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
