So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
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