The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
