Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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