Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
