he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
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