"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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