if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
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