he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Randomize
