Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
