The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
