I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
