FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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