Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
