can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
