Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
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