turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
