I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
