Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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