You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Randomize
