im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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