Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
