i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
