we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
