im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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