Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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