I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize