I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Randomize
