this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
