Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize