I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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