Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
