tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
